I think I finally know what actual "hate" feels like. Like genuine hate. Not a severe dislike. HATE. And that's a strong word, actually.
Pardon me once again for using a dA journal as an outlet. I have very few outlets IRL. And those that I talk to and vent on IRL are mostly already involved and have already heard it and don't need to hear it again. They know the truth. So do I. But that doesn't make it any easier to sleep at night. I can't sleep at all, even though I took a sleep aid. I'm tired as fuck from a long day of trying to find a decent used car and having asshole salesmen tell me "You heard wrong. I'd never say it was [whatever price]." when talking about pricing, and "No, babe, you heard me wrong." FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. Sorry...that's another thing that got under my skin today.
Anyway, for those that care (sorry if I sound like an asshole myself with that line, but when I'm this angry...I'm pretty much in asshole mode, so...) For anyone that read my previous entry, you'd know about this family member I'm having issues with—with lending money to and being lied to and manipulated all for his own amusement/need to control every fucking thing/get his way with everything. (Also, I know it's a little late, but pardon my harsh language. That also happens when I'm this pissed.) Well, I don't give a flying fuck about keeping things generalized so nothing too personal is talked about. It's my brother. My 42 year old brother. And because of his actions, the way he has treated me recently as well as in the past growing up, the way he treats our parents, because of basically HIMSELF...I've finally reached a critical point with how he makes me feel.
I didn't ever want to say this, because I feel it isn't right to outright hate a person for whatever reason. But lying in bed tonight, staring at the ceiling and clutching my pillow to my chest in fists and grinding my teeth in anger, unable to stop thinking of all the bullshit he does and says—to the point where I gave my own self a headache...I think that I've come to that point. I think I hate him. And that's fucking sad. Because I don't want to.
He's visiting for this month and staying with my parents. Not a day goes by where I don't hear about something he's done or said. My own 9-year-old daughter called me one evening when she was spending the night over there and whispered over the phone to me that my brother had gone off on my mom, yelling at her, saying he's being treated like shit all the time and that he was going to leave and never come back again. Do you know why he did that? Because he was watching another one of his loud, blood and guts, swearing movies...and my mom asked him to turn it off and go to bed so my daughter could also go to sleep. ... ... ... There are no words.
He sits on his ass, day in and day out while he's visiting for one month out of the year, and watches those disgusting movies with cursing and swearing with my daughter right around the corner in the kitchen...it's all heard loud and clear. Not only that, he curses in front of my daughter himself. And when we tell him to watch his mouth and stop it...you know...have fucking RESPECT...he gets louder and gives us the most hateful looks and demands we "get off his fucking case".
I...am so...SICK...of his NASTY...BLATANT...DISGUSTING behavior.
My dad told me today while we were driving around looking for cars that my brother says the most nasty hateful things to my mom all the time...to the point where my dad said, "he basically tells her to go to hell, without saying it outright".
How...DARE he...speak to my mom like that... HOW DARE HE?! When she is giving him EVERYTHING. She and dad have bought him eyeglasses last time he was up, they've bought him things for his house like a fucking lawnmower! They gave him money to buy a car that was a piece of shit that he used to own years ago so he could "work on it" and get it running again. He hasn't even fucking TOUCHED the thing as far as I know. That was a couple years ago. They give him money every fucking month just so his house and car won't be taken from him because he has no fucking money, because he spends it on shit, shit, shit constantly! He buys fast food, pizza, other things. My parents are taking money from THEIR RETIREMENT FUND in order to support his ABUSIVE ASS.
And there is no getting around it. He is abusive. Unless everything is going just as he wants it to, he will yell, accuse, use guilt, and whatever other tactic he can pull out of his ass at the time to get what he wants. And if he doesn't get what he wants, then we are ALL against him. We're the assholes. He's the victim. Then he'll jump in his fancy camero and peel off for a few hours, buy himself something, then come home like everything is fine again. He's addicted to buying things. Be it material items, food, whatever. Buying shit makes him feel better. ADDICT. ABUSIVE...FUCKING...ADDICT.
And I'm so sick of it, I'm literally sick. My parents have bent over ass-backwards for him at every fucking turn...and how does he repay them? By guilting and insulting and yelling and threatening. I'm done. So fucking done with him and his sickening, selfish bullshit. And I know my dad's done with it too, has been for a while. But it's my mom. She's getting sick of it too, but she just won't cut him off (financially speaking as well). He's her little boy. She doesn't want to see his life wrecked. Even though he's the one wrecking his own life with bad decisions and addiction to spending.
I will say, that I can understand that mindset, though. If my daughter were to fall on desperate times, I would want to be there to help in any way I could to keep her out of trouble. But I have enough sense to realize where the point is to cut things off. If she isn't learning to fix her mistakes and isn't working to better herself and turns around and spits in the face of my kindness...I won't hesitate to cut her off and make her deal with her own problems head-on. Even if that ends up where she's sent to prison or has shit taken away from her or whatever. There's helping someone for a while, and then there's being taken advantage of. I will not be taken advantage of. And I wish upon every fucking star in the sky that my mom would just crack one day soon and tell him to shut the fuck up, sit down, and pay attention, because she's done with his blatantly disrespectful bullshit, and she won't take one more ounce from him. And if that means that he's going to run a way like a fucking coward and not face his problems and what he's doing to everyone around him, then he can just go ahead and "never come back again"...like the childish piece of shit that he's behaving. (Fuck grammar, it's 3AM.)
A 42 year old man acts that way, ladies and gentlemen. I'm 35...and I have more maturity in my little toe than he does in his whole overweight body. I have more respect for others than he has ever known in his own self throughout his entire life.
Side note: Do you know what he did to me, when I was a baby? (The "his entire life" thing brought this up.) I was six months old or something like that, don't quote me on it, because I only know of this through my mom telling me, then my brother confessing about it a couple years ago... You know what that piece of gutter trash did to me? Get this...this will paint the perfect picture of him, his mentality, and his personality. .... He held my hand against a lit lightbulb until it burned it so bad, I had blisters on every segment of my fingers and palm. Then he lied to my mom and said that I grabbed it myself. ... Yeah... YEAH. That is the kind of person I have to call my brother. That is the kind of person that abuses everyone he sees fit to get whatever the fuck he pleases.
He can try to blame it on dad for not being there all the time, he can try to blame it on personal traumatizing shit that happened to him when he was little, he can try to blame it on his bad health, his migraines, his depression, the fact that his EX-wife (because yeah, he verbally and mentally abused her too, in front of family and friends and her kids...even though I never liked that bitch, she still didn't deserve to be treated like that) took his daughter and moved with her newest husband to North Dakota—leaving him all alone in Oklahoma...even though he agreed to it... He can try to blame ALL of that shit, okay...but you know what? There are people in the world who have gone through a billion times worse shit than he has...and they have come out positive, productive citizens of society...friendly, well-liked people. He has it MADE compared to people like that...and yet he chooses to treat people the way he does on a daily...fucking...basis.
Granted...it isn't like that 100% of the time. There are times or even whole days where he's agreeable...when he gets up off of the couch and stops watching his shoot-em-up swear-a-thon movies and goes about doing things. But the minute something doesn't go the way he wanted or expected it to, the minute he doesn't get exactly what he wanted...fuck everyone else, he's the victim, no one understands, no one listens, and he doesn't know anything.
Case in point: Yesterday, my husband and I visited after trying to look for cars once again. As we were telling mom and dad (who were standing in the kitchen listening to us as we sat at the table) about what we had seen and what people had said, my brother chimes in from the living room couch...because he apparently couldn't be bothered to get his ass up and come into the kitchen to join the conversation. He tells me to not sell our car that we were trying to trade in and get rid of. He says he can fix it. I tried to tell him, no, it's rusted all the way up into the frame of the car. If my husband gets hit, the whole damn thing would crumble in a heap...most likely injuring or even killing him. It was fucking dangerous, okay? It wasn't worth it, especially with over 180,000 miles on it. We wanted to trade it in and get what we could for it while buying a newer car. Well, guess what, he wouldn't back down. He kept arguing and pushing for us to keep it and that he can fix it. How many times to I have to say "It's not worth it" before you FUCKING GET IT?! (I didn't say that out loud, btw.) So when I finally refused him enough times, he waves his hand at me and says "Yeah right fine, I don't know anything." ... Really?... Really??
I'm done...so fucking done. And the SECOND I hear him raise his voice and say something nasty to my mom again...I will stand up and let him have it. I don't care anymore. I don't care if it will completely destroy whatever relationship he has left with me, I don't even care if he runs away like a fucking coward and never comes back...and you know what? I don't even care if he tries to hurt himself. He's threatened to in the past...most likely for attention and sympathy.... However...I will not sit by and let him abuse his own mother...when she has given him EVERYTHING. My mom is the sweetest woman in the world, at least that's the way I see her. So how DARE he even raise his voice against her. After all she has given him, all the sacrifices she's made, not just recently, but throughout his whole life. It makes him a fucking SICK piece of SHIT.
Okay...okay...I think I'm done. I feel a little bit better now. The mere fact of me putting my words out there and knowing that someone, somewhere can see them gives me a little comfort...instead of keeping it all inside...or trying to talk to someone IRL and not be able to make all my points because they cut me off by talking or I'm so upset I keep repeating myself. So...to whoever has read this far...I thank you. Knowing that my words have been seen and my opinion has been heard makes me feel a little better.
Sorry again for another journal where I bitch about life problems. But I already said why I'm doing it. So...yeah...I still have a headache, even though I took something for it.