Well, today I found out what a complete waste of a human being I am. After being yelled at for about 2 hours on and off, I've been made to see how completely worthless I have been these last 6-8 years. Doesn't matter who yelled at me, point is, I suck...at everything.

I can't draw anymore. (like I could draw before)
I can't write anymore. (like I could write before)
My web design is mediocre and too simple for this day and age.

I'm worthless at everything I do.

And I'm pretty sure I know what killed my desire to do those things anymore, crappily as I did them. Being told over and over and over again that I lack creativity.

There's a certain someone that I somehow feel I must impress with SOMETHING because they are so "creative" themselves. But every time I come up with an idea that I think will FINALLY impress them or at least make them say "Nice, I like that.", they tell me "why didn't you say it like this?" or "why don't you do it like that instead?" NOTHING I say or do is good enough. And over time, that has eaten away at me. Until I don't think there's a single good idea left in me. Like I had any in the first place. I just keep kidding myself.

So I ended up laying in bed for hours on end tonight, staring at the ceiling and reminding myself over and over how much of a waste I really am. And being told that I'm like a 6 year-old and that my husband should "leave that bitch" just keeps spinning around in my empty head.

I completely hate myself.

What decent person can't cook, dislikes to clean house, dislikes children even though she has one, and sits around playing games or watching TV or working on her fan sites or other misc fandom stuff? Well, that is me.

I am a selfish bitch.

Hey, case in point, this entire journal entry! I've just been rambling about me me ME. Selfish, lazy bitch. But what are journals for right? I guess I brought my shit here so I'd have at least one little outlet so I wouldn't want to kill myself or something.

I don't normally do this, people. I don't normally bring my BS here to the "public eye" and rant and rave and be all emo all over the place because my life sucks and everyone hates or doesn't understand me. I try to remain positive to all my friends and people who watch me. But after a while, when in the background I'm being cut down and realizing how pathetic I really am, I can't keep up the happy smile forever.

So to the 198 people that watch me, and the 10-15 people that watch my journal, and the 5-8 that actually read it, and the 2-4 people that actually give a shit enough to comment on it....I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm such a pathetic waste of a human being.

And the sad part is, I don't know if anything is even going to change. I don't know if I'll ever draw again. I don't know if I'll ever write again, and I don't know if I'll continue working on my fan sites or not.

Indecisive, selfish, lazy bitch. That's me.

To anyone that read this far, I apologize for being stupid and emo. But like I said...say it here or hold it in till I literally can't live with myself anymore. But you know, I probably couldn't even kill myself, I'm such a coward and pathetic. Oh well. I apologize again for being stupid and emo and showing my problems to whoever cares enough to read this.

I can't fucking sleep.